Sometimes, a lady amuses herself to such a degree that she has no other choice but to share her comedic near-genius with anyone who has the misfortune or, em... I meant, sorry, celestial blessings of golden winged (accent on last syllable) angels to be standing within a 4,000 mile radius. As long as they're American. And unemployed. And living with their moms. And wearing an eye patch. (Not everyone who wears an eye patch is a pirate.)

I am back in the retail saddle this holiday season. I was recently sharing my discount at the C&B with my man friend Brian, and his purchases were supposed to be shipped to his sister in Chicago in time for Christmas. Having such astute readers as I am privileged to enjoy, you'll no doubt guess that these items did not, in fact, make it to Chicago in time for Brian to present them to his mother on Christmas Day. Or Boxing Day. Nor, as it turns out, will Mrs. Brian's Mother be able to enjoy a meal cooked in her new pots anytime before the second week of 2008.

Sure, I'm supposed to be rewriting my resume and tweaking my cover letter in order to secure a position away from the soul-squelching realities of desk duty in 240G. But in the meantime, here's a taste of my giggly genius.

[== & == ampersand == and such == Magic 8-Ball == then I was all like == Associate Vice Provost without Portfolio==]

Dear sir,

We regret to inform you that the items you purchased at our establishment were not properly processed for shipment. Due to a significant oversight on our part, the items you purchased on Tuesday 18 December at the University Village Festival of Commerce were not picked up by UPS until Wednesday 26 December. We do realize that that was eight days later than common sense and the laws of good customer service would suggest. We are so very, very sorry. For reals.

In our defense, it is the holiday season. Our associates are tired. And underpaid. They are routinely asked to be nice to people who are not nice to them. While customers such as yourself --well-informed, educated, properly groomed, possessing exceptional conversational skills-- are what we'd like to consider our "base" or perhaps, in the vernacular of today's youth, our "peeps," the sad reality is that there are people out there giving holiday shoppers a bad name. It is with a heavy heart that I will admit that sometimes offering good customer service (something for which we at Crate & Barrel are known) is beyond our reach. Sometimes we might accidentally on purpose shove your items to the back of the shipping shelf in a fit of malaise, exhaustion and/or existential retail despair. Had we known it was you, sir, whose items we so callously ignored, those items would have been hand delivered to your beloved sister so that your mother might have enjoyed a very merry Christmas.

We prostrate ourselves at your well-shod feet and hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us. We do appreciate your business and look forward to welcoming you into our establishment again sometime very soon. We offer an array of finely crafted artisanal Mayan cookware, hand blown glassware from Poland and many many thousands of items of questionable workmanship made in China.

As I write this, your purchases are in a land called "Hodgkins, IL" en route to your sister, Nora M, in Chicago, Illinois. UPS anticipates a 3 January delivery. Why it will take UPS another seven days to deliver these items a mere 18 miles is a question I cannot address with any authority at this time. Your tracking number is _________________. You can visit your purchases online here: wwwapps.ups.com/WebTracking/track. Your shipping costs have been refunded to Ms. Berolzheimer's credit card. We understand that Ms. Berolzheimer is an employee in the aforementioned University Village store. We hear she is an exemplary employee, and rarely show up for her shifts more that 15 minutes late and no more than half in the bag.

Thank you for your patience and understanding in this matter. We wish you and yours all the best in 2008. We look forward to misplacing your future purchases with the same flair and joie de vivre for many years to come.

Yours,

Gordon Segal
Owner, founder, distinguished elderly gentleman of significant means.